Still working on it
Today was one of those days. I can't ever predict when I'm going to have a day that I'm down in the dumps. I wake up in the morning and there it is. Trying to push myself out of it is a long tedious process. Most days it gets noticeably better when my husbands truck drives onto the drive. Just the sound of it can make me think, "thank goodness".
It is beautiful outside today. I went out at about noon and sat on the back deck steps to read my different bible plans. The black stray cat was there to keep me company. He likes the back deck.
I am reading several plans on my bible app. In fact, I think there are 5. For some reason, today's readings were not what I needed to hear. Everything seemed to talk about accepting the fact that you are unworthy, have no willpower, must lower yourself, should not have any pride....... Wow! I'm not sure that is what God's plan is for us. I read so many posts from Christian friends on Facebook who are struggling with finding joy. I'm starting to wonder if depression is becoming a Christian illness because we have such high standards for ourselves and can't possibly meet those standards, and then we are told not to think highly of ourselves. What is there left to do but to feel bad?
My house is a mess. Some days I look around and think how beautiful it is. We've managed to decorate the entire house with thrift store finds and hand me downs. We've made a home out of something that was about to be torn down and it has a precious story to it.
Other days I look at it and think, "what a mess!". We have so much stuff and so many things to maintain. So much work needs to be done to it and it all costs money that isn't in great supply. It can be incredibly overwhelming. I look at the property and it is overgrown and full of cactus and dead trees. There are too many rocks to run a mower over it and we have piles of things to burn or dump from customers who needed work done or something hauled off.
Then I go for a walk to the mailbox and there is this wild look to everything that makes you feel like your in a natural park. Even the dead trees and cactus make you want to go grab a camera. The garden looks like a disaster, but then you go walk in it and the larkspur are starting to bloom and it so pretty.
Today hasn't been a very productive day. I got up, made my hot tea, checked my email, watched the view, ate a donut and a half that my husband bought (what is that man thinking buying donuts?), took a shower, and read my bible plans. I think it's about 2:30. In a little bit I will put makeup on and pick up my youngest from school and then I will start my chores. My husband will come home soon and he will probably want to sit on the back deck and talk about the day. My day starts late and ends late. Some days are productive and some days.... not so much. Some days are good, and some days are really hard. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I was not a woman of faith. I think it would be harder than I could handle. I know that, on my worst days, He makes things bearable. I know that I have had 7 years of hard things happen in my life, one after the other, and it will take time for me to completely heal. It's a little like starting over. I have had to relearn who I am. I have had to accept a lot of loss and find joy in what is left over. I can tell you that spending time with God each day makes a huge difference on how my day goes. My husband and I talk often about how much change has happened in our life. It is a shock to your system and you become so sensitive that each little thing that happens seems to rekindle pain like you have a very bad sunburn. We have had to start over from scratch and are slowly, carefully, making progress. There has been a lot of forgiveness, a lot of understanding, a lot of healing and a lot of growth. I have to trust that God will work on healing my children and their faith, and I give my issues and my husbands issues to God every day to work out. I will patiently wait for our life to become spectacular again. Until then.....we press on.
It is beautiful outside today. I went out at about noon and sat on the back deck steps to read my different bible plans. The black stray cat was there to keep me company. He likes the back deck.
I am reading several plans on my bible app. In fact, I think there are 5. For some reason, today's readings were not what I needed to hear. Everything seemed to talk about accepting the fact that you are unworthy, have no willpower, must lower yourself, should not have any pride....... Wow! I'm not sure that is what God's plan is for us. I read so many posts from Christian friends on Facebook who are struggling with finding joy. I'm starting to wonder if depression is becoming a Christian illness because we have such high standards for ourselves and can't possibly meet those standards, and then we are told not to think highly of ourselves. What is there left to do but to feel bad?
My house is a mess. Some days I look around and think how beautiful it is. We've managed to decorate the entire house with thrift store finds and hand me downs. We've made a home out of something that was about to be torn down and it has a precious story to it.
Other days I look at it and think, "what a mess!". We have so much stuff and so many things to maintain. So much work needs to be done to it and it all costs money that isn't in great supply. It can be incredibly overwhelming. I look at the property and it is overgrown and full of cactus and dead trees. There are too many rocks to run a mower over it and we have piles of things to burn or dump from customers who needed work done or something hauled off.
Then I go for a walk to the mailbox and there is this wild look to everything that makes you feel like your in a natural park. Even the dead trees and cactus make you want to go grab a camera. The garden looks like a disaster, but then you go walk in it and the larkspur are starting to bloom and it so pretty.
Today hasn't been a very productive day. I got up, made my hot tea, checked my email, watched the view, ate a donut and a half that my husband bought (what is that man thinking buying donuts?), took a shower, and read my bible plans. I think it's about 2:30. In a little bit I will put makeup on and pick up my youngest from school and then I will start my chores. My husband will come home soon and he will probably want to sit on the back deck and talk about the day. My day starts late and ends late. Some days are productive and some days.... not so much. Some days are good, and some days are really hard. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I was not a woman of faith. I think it would be harder than I could handle. I know that, on my worst days, He makes things bearable. I know that I have had 7 years of hard things happen in my life, one after the other, and it will take time for me to completely heal. It's a little like starting over. I have had to relearn who I am. I have had to accept a lot of loss and find joy in what is left over. I can tell you that spending time with God each day makes a huge difference on how my day goes. My husband and I talk often about how much change has happened in our life. It is a shock to your system and you become so sensitive that each little thing that happens seems to rekindle pain like you have a very bad sunburn. We have had to start over from scratch and are slowly, carefully, making progress. There has been a lot of forgiveness, a lot of understanding, a lot of healing and a lot of growth. I have to trust that God will work on healing my children and their faith, and I give my issues and my husbands issues to God every day to work out. I will patiently wait for our life to become spectacular again. Until then.....we press on.
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