Healing

It is a warm morning and the third day of school for my youngest.

The house is quiet except for the occasional popping of the tin roof as it heats from the sun.

I am sitting in my big country kitchen at a table that was once much shorter by about 6 and a half inches. 

We took an antique table from Bruce's aunts house and turned it into a island type table, with mismatched bar stools, by adding feet.  It's a bit wobbly, but it does the job.  I remember a story my mother told me about a round table that sat in this kitchen.  Earlier in the

day it seems the kids had broken my grandparents table when they were goofing around.  They panicked and stuck it together as if nothing had happened.  When my grandmother set the table for dinner that evening, the table at some point gave way and everything fell on the floor.  My grandparents didn't know the kids were the ones who broke the table, so they just looked at the mess, got up, and cleaned it all up.  The kids didn't say a word.  So funny.

Last Tuesday I had my last counseling appointment with my wonderful counselor Eva.  Part of me wanted to jump up and down, I was so happy, and the other part wanted to cry because I would miss her.  I have been going to counseling for a year.  I waited far too long to go.  I should have gone when I was little, or when my parents divorced.  Probably both.  I was a very quiet and scared child my entire life.  My life was very controlled by others.  Everything was chosen for me and I was told how to do it.  If I didn't do things the way I was told I felt like I failed.  Life was about survival. 

I learned people.  I knew what was safe to say and do.  The people I cared about had conditions that needed to be met for them to love me.  I was not allowed to be angry.  If Shannon isn't doing what you want...use guilt, then she will do what you want.  This is how my mind worked.

I had to learn what was normal and healthy.  It really was fascinating.  

I would sit and tell Eva stories and watch her eyes get big.  I would cry thinking of the little girl that was so scared and broken and I wanted to scoop her up and rescue her.  Eva would remind me that the little girl was me and I needed to feel the pain and get mad about the things I wasn't allowed to get mad about then.

As a child and a Christian woman, I thought anger was bad and wrong.  Nope.  It's healthy.  Go figure.

Feeling anger is healthy.  Slapping your little girl so hard she hits a wall is not.  I guess it's all about what you do with that anger.

As a wife and mother, I would bottle up my frustration to the point that it would explode and all kinds of things would come out of the attic of life stories.  I would cry to the point I couldn't breathe and scream because it wouldn't come out any other way.

All because I felt like I was failing.  I was not controlling my life, my children, my husband the way I was told to and if it was a mess, it was my fault for not keeping it all under control. 

Then I learned that I'm not supposed to control it all.  It's not my job.  I can only control me. 

Wow, that makes life easier.

So...Now....

I wake up in the morning and I am me.  Not the me that everyone else NEEDS me to be, but the me that I want to be.

I don't get my validation and value from others. 

I stopped wearing makeup for several weeks because I was taught that my eyes are small and my skin is pale, my hair is a bad color and I have a fat face............. so I wanted to learn me.  I wanted my husband and children to learn me.  I wanted to wake up in the morning and think I am beautiful just the way God made me.  It took a while.

I get dressed each day based on what I love, not what makes me "keep my husband". 

I do things for the people I love because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to or because they guilt me.

Most of all, I give each day to God.  I tell Him to guide my day from what I think and feel, to what I do and say.

I thank Him continuously and look for things that he blesses me with, like baby frogs and beautiful days.

I feel a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that I don't have to make anyone happy.  It's not my job.  If they are happy around me then that is awesome, but It's not a requirement for me to be in control of others. 

 Being a mom....that is crazy hard thinking.

We feel like it is our responsibility to make sure our kids are happy. 

But, they have to find their own way.  I don't want to hinder that growth.

And....I have to stop putting my plan on my children. 

If I want my children to be happy, I have to let them find themselves.

I raised them well.  I taught them all the good things.  I have to trust God for the rest.

It has been life changing, and I'm still learning. 

I want to jump up and down and tell everyone what I've learned so they can feel better too.

So I blog and hope someone gets something out of it.

Depression is the worst illness in the world.  It takes away hope. 

During my parents divorce and my moms passing, my family was judged very harshly because others had no idea what we were going through.  Please keep in mind that there is always much more to every story than what you hear from one side or what you see on the surface.  You never know what someone else is going through.

I pray that God touches anyone dealing with depression who reads this. 

I pray that he shows them the way to healing just as he has shown me.

There is one person I have been praying for who just can't seem to find her way out and I wrote todays blog post especially for her.

Just keep praying.

Hugs

Shannon