Flower Child

It feels like a very long time since I've posted on my blog site.
I journal quite a bit in books or on scrap paper when things are simple or incredibly difficult.
That sounds so strange.
In the last few weeks everything feels strange.
Life has been so different.
I feel like it's been a challenge to marriage,
an eye opener to where we spend our time,
and a test of patience.

Along with many other things during this time,
We had three, or so, days of crazy heat, and in those days we had no AC.
I ended up sick, things became overwhelming, and tensions were incredibly high.
So many things on your mind....
We were worried about my dad, my sister in law, and informed we couldn't see our
son who is in the Air Force.
The months have been so much harder on others who
were sick or unable to be with loved ones who were sick and worse.
How do we wrap our minds around what others have endured.
I pray a lot.  And then I pray some more.
I always have a rough time from may 5th to june 5th.
I always forget why.  And... then it clicks.  During that time I was with my mom while she 
died of cancer.  I still get angry about how everything went. And then 
I tell my heart to forgive.  And then I tell my heart to forgive again...…..


Every few years I feel like I want to reinvent myself.
Do new things.
Learn new things.
Find myself.
Not sure what the heck that means.
I'm not much into doing that at the moment.
I feel like I just need to figure out how to live.

When you have children you form a schedule.  Everything has a time and a place.
You form friendships and bonds with people who have children the same age and you
get involved in the school or church or sports.
When the kids leave home you think, "now I have time for me".
Nope!  For some strange reason you create a life just a chaotic as before the kids left home.
Why do we do that?
Then we get older, more tired, less mobile.  We fall down more.
We forget more.  We are no longer stepping on legos…. we're just walking out of our
shoes or tripping on air.  The hair gets grey, the face drops and you can't hold your bladder.
This sounds like someone in their 80's but no... I'm almost 50.

I think I've just decided to stop thinking.
I want to be a flower child without the weed.
I'm tired of grumpy faces and worry.
I want to dance in the kitchen more and let the house grow vines on the walls.
I want to be the crazy lady in her 30 year old wedding dress feeding chickens.
LOLOLOL!!!
No but seriously.
I need more time to just let the stress go, paint my nails, braid my hair, read a book,
drink beer with smoked gouda cheese on the front porch swing with candles and jazz
music in the background.  I need to twirl in a pretty skirt "only enough to keep from getting
dizzy"...... three seconds max.

The world is changing.
What will you do with it?



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