People pleasers

A while back ago, while having lunch with one of my favorite people, we started talking about something I have been learning through a counselor.  It is something I wish I had learned a long time ago, so I thought I would share.

Sometimes being really nice, fair and accommodating....bites you in the rear.  

Being someone who tries to please others, gives the other person permission to treat you like a servant.  You teach people how to treat you.

I hold my husband back often from speaking his mind.  I'm always saying, "make sure you say it in a nice way so you don't upset anyone".  He has defended me or himself, without holding back, a few times and I have blamed him for the outcome, when in reality, he was right to defend and the outcome was due to the shock of seeing him in a way that no one has seen him before.  Some people get upset when a people pleaser speaks up for himself or herself.  They aren't used to it.

In this last year we have had some crazy difficult responsibilities placed on us and in trying to be nice and accommodating, we took on WAY more than what is required of us.  We've lost income and customers from taking on so much.  And nothing we do is ever enough.  Why do we punish ourselves in an effort to please others?

In the last few months I'm learning that I have to change this.  

It turns out that one of the reasons I have always been so shy and look as if my spirit is crushed, is because I have always allowed others to place their responsibilities, guilt, anger, frustration, pain, and blame upon my shoulders, when it is not mine to carry.   

What a revelation!!!

So, when your mom tells you that her divorce is your fault, guess what?  It's not!

How wonderful it would have been to have this information when I was little.

To have the understanding that when someone is bullying you, judging you, abusing you, it's not about you, it's about them.  Yes, it still hurts in that moment and maybe beyond that moment, but you don't have to look in the mirror and believe it.  We have to understand that they are the one who is broken not you.

I have always feared defending myself because I didn't want to have the person crush me with their reaction and then have them not like me.  

The fact is, it doesn't matter what the reaction is, you have the right to defend yourself.  

If they don't talk to you for a year, so be it.  

(I just have to learn how to not allow it to crush me.  That is a huge challenge for me.)

If you're a people pleaser...WHY are we people pleasers?  Well, it turns out that it's because we want the person to like or love us.  Big shocker there!  So, we are trying to manipulate someone into caring about us, and in return they are allowed to control us.  

Being kind is wonderful and being helpful is great, but what is our motivation?  Are we doing it because it's the right thing to do or are we doing it because we are trying to manipulate someone into liking us?  We can't give our power away by letting someone control us because we gave them permission by our actions.  

As parents we have so much influence on our children.  There are so many things that we say and do that run a fine line between control and parenting.  A few things I've learned that are important to think about have to do with what crosses that line.

Controlling a child like your personal Barbie doll so you can relive your youth through them can influence their life by making it a life that was not their choices but yours.  They might marry the person you choose or design their life around what you like and want instead of what they like and want.  It is more important that YOUR CHILD be happy with their life instead of YOU being happy with their life.

Guilting a young or older child to do what you want because they have become your entertainment is too much pressure on a child.  In some cases it can destroy that child's friendships or marriage and can cause major depression for that child later.

And last but not least....

Your child is your child, NOT your best friend.  Best friends share all kinds of information that a child should NEVER hear.  Saying your best friends is one thing and seems sweet, but it can't be a reality.  

Take it from me, if you share too much information with your child, it will mess them up.

When it comes down to it, you just can't be who God made you to be if you let another person control who you are.

Just thought I would share.  :)

Hugs