starts out good...then crashes and burns
I'm re reading a book called "Quantum Wellness" by Kathy Freston.
I read this book years ago. I don't remember much about the book but I see that I underlined quite a few things in the first few chapters.
I can't read much at the moment because of my eyes. I get about 30 minutes before they get blurry.
So...I thought this might be a good book to read in small sections.
What I noticed, is that I read the book before I did counseling.
So....I'm getting a little more out of what I'm reading.
I also notice that I'm doing what the book says to do.
In fact...I've been doing what the book says to do, for quite a while, and didn't know it.
The idea is pretty simple. It's kinda like the butterfly effect.
Small things can lead to big changes.
Baby steps.
She says, "Our development is an unfinished and ongoing story", "We are creating ourselves and our world as we go".
Where are you now, and where do you want to be?
Gosh...
When I look at my life I imagine it looking like a very long and winding staircase. It doesn't go up very high. It goes up a few steps and then back down one, then it turns and continues in this random way for almost 47 years. I have come a long way and yet I think my mind at 4 years old was probably much more content and healthy. To have the heart of a child with an armor of steel, seems to BE the goal.
I love everything about my life. But I'm still incredibly broken from things that others have done.
I think most of us have the same story. We build our walls. Mine are huge.
Some day I feel like I live in my own little bubble land with my old home, garden, chickens, children who are allowed to visit because they don't judge or need to comment and gossip with creative stories. It is safe and lovely. ......and messy and cluttered and not everyone's cup of tea.
The world is mean. I don't know why. I know so many people who have the same sensitive heart as mine and they keep to themselves now. We all stay in our little safe bubble.
I'm not sure what I would change about my life. I would love to be less scared to leave my bubble.
Or let people in my bubble.
People don't have that stick to it mentality anymore. To protect themselves, they have up their walls and when anything feels like it might be getting to comfortable, they cut that bridge and move on. Protection from getting hurt.
When my mom left our family, she became someone we didn't even recognize.
]She didn't care about anything anymore. She wanted what she wanted and when she saw that her family was hurting, she didn't have any sympathy. She wanted everyone to change their life and feelings to accommodate her. Even at the end.
It is the hardest thing in the world to lose your mother that way. I'm not sure I will ever heal from it.
It made her passing easier because I didn't know the woman. I had lost my mother 7 years before.
I felt very sorry for her. And yet, couldn't do anything about it because I was destroyed.
It broke the family into pieces and broke the grandchildren.
Everyone changed from that moment on. She had been that person who held everything together, and controlled everything. My dad became a different person, my family barely speaks to each other.
When we get together you can feel the damage and the sadness.
So....I like my bubble. It is safe. It gives me time and space to continue to heal.
I have conversations with my mom. On Easter I was looking at a cake plate I had gotten from a clean up job my husband did. It has chips on it. I could hear my mothers voice in my head saying that her cake plate doesn't have chips on it. So I said, out loud, "Well.....you left everything to your husband, so I don't have YOUR cake plate!!!!!"
Ok...crying now.
I call this blogging therapy. :/
I read this book years ago. I don't remember much about the book but I see that I underlined quite a few things in the first few chapters.
I can't read much at the moment because of my eyes. I get about 30 minutes before they get blurry.
So...I thought this might be a good book to read in small sections.
What I noticed, is that I read the book before I did counseling.
So....I'm getting a little more out of what I'm reading.
I also notice that I'm doing what the book says to do.
In fact...I've been doing what the book says to do, for quite a while, and didn't know it.
The idea is pretty simple. It's kinda like the butterfly effect.
Small things can lead to big changes.
Baby steps.
She says, "Our development is an unfinished and ongoing story", "We are creating ourselves and our world as we go".
Where are you now, and where do you want to be?
Gosh...
When I look at my life I imagine it looking like a very long and winding staircase. It doesn't go up very high. It goes up a few steps and then back down one, then it turns and continues in this random way for almost 47 years. I have come a long way and yet I think my mind at 4 years old was probably much more content and healthy. To have the heart of a child with an armor of steel, seems to BE the goal.
I love everything about my life. But I'm still incredibly broken from things that others have done.
I think most of us have the same story. We build our walls. Mine are huge.
Some day I feel like I live in my own little bubble land with my old home, garden, chickens, children who are allowed to visit because they don't judge or need to comment and gossip with creative stories. It is safe and lovely. ......and messy and cluttered and not everyone's cup of tea.
The world is mean. I don't know why. I know so many people who have the same sensitive heart as mine and they keep to themselves now. We all stay in our little safe bubble.
I'm not sure what I would change about my life. I would love to be less scared to leave my bubble.
Or let people in my bubble.
People don't have that stick to it mentality anymore. To protect themselves, they have up their walls and when anything feels like it might be getting to comfortable, they cut that bridge and move on. Protection from getting hurt.
When my mom left our family, she became someone we didn't even recognize.
]She didn't care about anything anymore. She wanted what she wanted and when she saw that her family was hurting, she didn't have any sympathy. She wanted everyone to change their life and feelings to accommodate her. Even at the end.
It is the hardest thing in the world to lose your mother that way. I'm not sure I will ever heal from it.
It made her passing easier because I didn't know the woman. I had lost my mother 7 years before.
I felt very sorry for her. And yet, couldn't do anything about it because I was destroyed.
It broke the family into pieces and broke the grandchildren.
Everyone changed from that moment on. She had been that person who held everything together, and controlled everything. My dad became a different person, my family barely speaks to each other.
When we get together you can feel the damage and the sadness.
So....I like my bubble. It is safe. It gives me time and space to continue to heal.
I have conversations with my mom. On Easter I was looking at a cake plate I had gotten from a clean up job my husband did. It has chips on it. I could hear my mothers voice in my head saying that her cake plate doesn't have chips on it. So I said, out loud, "Well.....you left everything to your husband, so I don't have YOUR cake plate!!!!!"
Ok...crying now.
I call this blogging therapy. :/
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