Cheers to the beginning of a new adventure.



Today is the begging of a new blog set of adventures.
Last week I realized that I had been writing for 10 years.
That is a really long time.
I started this to share my growth.  And then I went through some crazy hard stuff during those 10 years.  So I decided I would have those 10 years of posts printed into a book.
It should be interesting.  After I print it I will read it.
Hmm... that will be interesting and maybe a little painful.

I'm thinking I might go through it and pick the posts that are decent and put together a smaller book to print out to share.  I'm not sure I feel worthy.  But... I can't think that way.
We are all imperfect and have a story to tell.

I woke up with a lot of pain this morning.  Everything hurt.  It took a while to get out of bed.
Move a little here, move a little there and then start some stretching.
It scares me when my body hurts that bad.  Some days my knees are bad, some days my hands and wrists hurt. Sometimes it feels like my body is just shutting down.  So I stretch, I roll out of bed, walk to the restroom to brush my teeth and then to the kitchen to drink my coffee and take my supplements.  After a while my body starts to work a little better and may have less pain depending on the weather or the stress I might have.
I worry when I have the days where I have a hard time moving, or feel like I'm going to fall.
But...I drink my coffee and I take my supplements and I do my work.
I've found some great tricks to make my days productive.
Or I should say that God has brought me things that make my days a blessing.

So today's Post is the start of a book two.
It will be a totally new journey.
I am 49.
I have many years ahead of me and I hope to share the journey and see what all God does in my life.
My faith is everything to me.
It comes before everything.
It defines everything.
It is my heart.
It has molded my heart.
I love because of it.
God blessed me with a sensitive heart.
It is not always a blessing.

This morning, as I was laying there, I noticed my inner voice saying all these things that were negative.  I was shocked that I was replaying these negative phrases like a skipping record.
So I changed them to "I am strong, I am healthy, I am blessed, I am loved".
I replayed that and I swear I could feel my body change just from the words in my head.

A friend of our family sent me a video this morning of my mom during her battle with cancer.
It was hard to watch, but precious to have.  I cried because I miss her.  Some days my heart aches to talk to her and ask her what to do, and tell her about life.
But I miss the old her from before the divorce.  Does that make any sense?  I miss the mom that loved me unconditionally.  I miss the mom that I could shop thrift stores with and go eat lunch with.  I miss the mom who's heart was about her family, the husband of her youth, and the pride she had in her marriage, children, grandchildren, her faith, and her home.
The healthy happy mom.
My heart hurts for that loss.
But my heart rejoices that she is with God.
The only other picture I have of mom during that time, with my beautiful cousin and her baby.

When you have a mom like mine who was so proud
and almost obsessed with her perfect life
and then she completely falls into a mess.
It just consumes her.
It completely changed her.
My heart broke for her.
She was beautiful and happy.  We called each other every day.  We spent several days a week together.  She was not perfect, but I adored my mom.
I was the first one she cried to when her life was falling apart.  I was the first one she told.  I was the first one who tried to help her. And then she just jumped into the mess, and I had to limit my time with her.  She had become someone I didn't know. I had lost her.

It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.
I survived, (she did not) but not without major damages.
Now I have to get healthy.

So this is that new chapter.
This is the chapter in my life where I have forgiven, and now I need to heal.
Welcome to this new adventure.
Hold on to your boot straps.  LOL!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

DIVORCE AND MENTAL HEALTH

 It is a beautiful hot day outside.  Texas weather in the summers are not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.  But it is truly beautiful.  We've had a good amount of rain through June so the grass is still green, which doesn't usually happen by July.   I don't blog often.  I unintentionally hurt someones feelings with a blog post and I don't want to do that again so I am very nervous blogging about anything.  I created this blog page to try and heal myself and maybe help anyone else who might be going through the same circumstances.  I have depression that has been my constant companion for a good part of my life.   So most of my blog posts are my way of working through my depression.  I have a hard time feeling safe in many situations.  A good amount of that was because of how our home felt when I was young.  I had precious parents that weren't good at communication.  I don't think they knew how to be any o...
Read more

I AM

Image
Several years ago I read something that really made sense to me. I can't remember where I read it or what exactly it said but it talked about how saying the words "I am ......." before some value that you wish you had.  It was explained that, in doing so, it could change your subconscious thinking.   We all have so many thoughts running through our heads at any given moment and I would guess that not all those thoughts are positive.  If you are a woman, then you probably have many more thoughts running at one time than any man would.  Most of us have high expectations for ourselves, so every imaginable self criticism comes to mind and runs on a continuous loop in our heads. When we read the bible it has so many areas that talk about taking captive your thoughts, thinking of only good things, speaking words that only lift us up, and BELIEVING what you pray for, so it will be done.  So the trick for most of us is to shut down those negative subconscious thoughts t...
Read more

Todays thoughts

I've been listening and reading about a new fad in Christianity that has become very heart breaking for me personally . It seems there is a growing number of people who don't like what they call the "institution" of the church. You know what? Church is not perfect and never was. That's why there are so many letters in the bible to churches telling them what they need to change. It's not going to be perfect but that doesn't mean we walk away. What concerns me about great Christian people who give up on the church experience, is that, in giving up and only gathering with a small group of Christians, they are losing the experience of fellowship with people that have no other place to go. Christians who need loving people around them on that Sunday morning, to help get them through the week. What I LOVE about church is that I am accepted even though I'm not perfect, wealthy, popular or whatever. I LOVE that when my children come to church, they are...
Read more