My brain keeping me awake

It's that season again.  
The season of excitement and yet fear of upsetting family.
Fear of grumpy dad.  Fear of saying the wrong thing.
Fear of being considered lacking.
It is the one part of my life that I fail most.
It is my most sensitive time where I let things get to me.

This is my mind speaking to me as I try to sleep.........
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Do you ever feel like no matter how you live your life, you can't do anything right?

(It's almost 3 in the morning and I haven't been able to stay asleep, if I've slept at all.)
(My mind continues to speak)

I've been laying here re assessing my life from the opinion of others.
I don't ask for anything......
I take care of my family, raised my children, pay my bills, love my husband.
We have chosen a life that is simple.  We don't go on big vacations, we have older cars, we have an old home that we restored and built ourselves along with two other homes our children live in. We've been dealt a flood, we've had illness, I've had my parents divorce and my mom's death crush me....along with other things most people don't know about.
I love my dad, adore my boys who I am so proud of, I adore my brothers and their families, and make a big deal about their work, and homes, and cars.  
I'm not jealous of anyone.  I love my life.  It is nothing fancy.
I grow a garden, raise chickens, make crafty things, manage a home while my husband manages several businesses.  We volunteer at church, donate eggs, and most of all Love God.

I realize in the last many years that I've been called spoiled, I've been told my illness is all in my head, I've been told that I should go on vacations, I've been told I should get a job (not so nicely), I've been told I have too many birds, that I have too much crap in my house, when depressed that I should just be happy.  When my son joined the military I've had people that judged me for letting him join.
I've been kicked out of a church band, and therefore church, for trying to defend someone.
I've been judged for not having a close relationship with my mom after her divorce, but never asked why so I can explain.  
I've been judged on the man I married and how many children I've had.


In the opinion of some people....what I do is strange.
In the opinion of some people......I'm doing it wrong.

I'm supposed to be the person that they say I should be.

I should have a job and work even though I don't feel well.  I should go on vacations with the money I make at the job that I work while I'm sick, even though it's not my thing and I don't feel well.  I should magically be happy when I'm depressed. I should live in a perfect little house that I rarely see because I'm working.  I should change who my husband is because he's not doing life right.  I should change who I am because I'm not who I'm supposed to be.
My husband and I aren't doing it right.  
We should change our life to make everyone happy.
We shouldn't say anything accidentally to upset anyone.
We should not be strange and raise chickens and make kombucha, and blog, and make videos, and have a radio station, and have a lawn care business.  My husband should get a REAL job.
We should sell everything we have and buy a nice cute little new perfect home with no clutter, both go to work all day so we can afford the house and vacations and a new car.  My husband should cut his hair, get a real job and I should pretend to not be sick and work anyway.
Does everyone's brain work this way or just mine?
My husband would say, "just don't talk about your illness and chickens and stuff".
Isn't that what you do with family?  You want their love and support.  They talk about their lives and you love on them and praise them for the accomplishments.  You talk about your life and they look at you like your grew a third eye.  

Gosh..I really love my husband and my life and my children and my family.
I really wish other people felt the same way.
I really don't want to change EVERYTHING to make them happy.  
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.
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Why does the mind want so desperately to have that love and validation that you are acceptable?


God guides my life...
He is the only one I need to impress.
So...go away needy thinking.
I've got no use for you.




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