Frustrated

Today was a hard day.
I created this blog in the hopes of improving my life, or rather my attitude about life, and keeping record of how it goes. I guess I should post the bad days along with the good ones.
So here's a bad day.........
I have depression that is either hereditary or situational. Not sure which.
I am on a low dose of medication for my depression, but sometimes even the meds can't keep me from crawling in bed for the day.
Today was one of those days.
Usually I get embarrassed with the bad days and try to find excuses for it. Sometimes I look at what's going on and think it's just life. Sometimes I spend a good chunk of time talking to God about it and asking Him to help me. I sometimes feel like I'm so lucky that my life is good and no life can be perfect, so suck it up and be happy you have what you have.
Recently........ it's just ticking me off.
I'm so tired of thinking I can't have a good life AND be a happy person, because we all need to go through something. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, guilty, selfish.
I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I don't know who I'm angry and frustrated with, but I'm so tired of spending days feeling like nothing.
I was reading a book that said you have to be passionate about something to want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm tired of being passionate about something and being disappointed. I'm tired of caring about people and having them disappear.
I'm tired of waking up and feeling sad for no reason I can think of.
I'm tired of bad things happening to us because of someone else, and they go on with life while I'm picking up the pieces.
The other night, instead of prayer, I spent time telling God I was not a happy camper. One of those, "I just don't understand...." conversations.
I don't think I'm fitting the "living life beautifully" idea right now.
I have a wonderful home, a wonderful family, decent health, a strong faith, and I'm depressed more often than not. I have been through some stuff, yes, but I should be able to pull myself together because there are people who have been through worse.
I'm tired of trying to figure this out.
You know...the world is a mess and so many people feel this way. People drink, take drugs and do horrible things to try to numb the pain. As a Christian, I pray. Today...... I haven't been in the mood.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

DIVORCE AND MENTAL HEALTH

 It is a beautiful hot day outside.  Texas weather in the summers are not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.  But it is truly beautiful.  We've had a good amount of rain through June so the grass is still green, which doesn't usually happen by July.   I don't blog often.  I unintentionally hurt someones feelings with a blog post and I don't want to do that again so I am very nervous blogging about anything.  I created this blog page to try and heal myself and maybe help anyone else who might be going through the same circumstances.  I have depression that has been my constant companion for a good part of my life.   So most of my blog posts are my way of working through my depression.  I have a hard time feeling safe in many situations.  A good amount of that was because of how our home felt when I was young.  I had precious parents that weren't good at communication.  I don't think they knew how to be any o...
Read more

I AM

Image
Several years ago I read something that really made sense to me. I can't remember where I read it or what exactly it said but it talked about how saying the words "I am ......." before some value that you wish you had.  It was explained that, in doing so, it could change your subconscious thinking.   We all have so many thoughts running through our heads at any given moment and I would guess that not all those thoughts are positive.  If you are a woman, then you probably have many more thoughts running at one time than any man would.  Most of us have high expectations for ourselves, so every imaginable self criticism comes to mind and runs on a continuous loop in our heads. When we read the bible it has so many areas that talk about taking captive your thoughts, thinking of only good things, speaking words that only lift us up, and BELIEVING what you pray for, so it will be done.  So the trick for most of us is to shut down those negative subconscious thoughts t...
Read more

Todays thoughts

I've been listening and reading about a new fad in Christianity that has become very heart breaking for me personally . It seems there is a growing number of people who don't like what they call the "institution" of the church. You know what? Church is not perfect and never was. That's why there are so many letters in the bible to churches telling them what they need to change. It's not going to be perfect but that doesn't mean we walk away. What concerns me about great Christian people who give up on the church experience, is that, in giving up and only gathering with a small group of Christians, they are losing the experience of fellowship with people that have no other place to go. Christians who need loving people around them on that Sunday morning, to help get them through the week. What I LOVE about church is that I am accepted even though I'm not perfect, wealthy, popular or whatever. I LOVE that when my children come to church, they are...
Read more