Thank God I'm a country girl



Good Morning... good morning...…  I'm singing that, in case you were wondering.
I just had alexa play me a song this morning because I wanted to listen to the words.
I'll tell ya about it in a minute.

I was at church last night, we serve in the evening service, and during Pastor Ray's message I started tearing up.  The tears just kept falling and I didn't have anything to wipe them away.  My husband is right next to me and he gets so upset for me.  He's so sweet.  He's trying to console me, not knowing why face is dripping.  lol.  There was a part of the pastors message that brought to mind some of the things I've dealt with in the past.
If you don't know me well, I have a really sensitive heart.  Too sensitive.
Everyone who knows me well knows this.
I was just going to say that my brothers don't even know that about me but.... never mind...they do.
I'm sure it has annoyed them for years.  Lol.
I don't want anyone to be unhappy.  I defend those I love to my own demise.  Lol.
I always worry that I have upset someone or made them mad.  I've spent a good part of my life walking tip toe to people please.  One year of Christian counseling and things changed.
And yet...there is still so much of that in me.  I limit my time out of my home to only dealing with those who love me.  But we do serve at church and from our past experiences, that is a leap for me.
I will always serve God.  I will do so even if it is out of my comfort zone.  I will do so, even if I don't feel loved.  There goes the welling up of my eyes.  ….coffee.... need more coffee..

Why do I always need reassurance of love from those who are family or I think are friends?
It is a job.  Serving.   No one goes to a job thinking everyone is going to smile and love on them with kindness each day.  No one is mean to me.  Why must I have that reassurance of approval.
This is my daily battle.  Oh goodness eyes....give it a break.
More coffee....  I really need to finish this cup before I fall apart.  Lol.
This is my battle....  I cut myself off from the world in a lot of ways because of this battle.
Message a friend and they don't respond....
Call my dad and he sound like I'm not even a thought to him...…
Thank God my mom pops in on occasion with little visits from heaven.....
( yes she does...don't doubt it.  And if it's not her...don't tell me)
Ok... full on tears now.
Thank God...I have God....

As a kid I lived in my family home in town.  But my grandparents on my dads side and most of my uncles are farmers.  As a child I would say I wanted to live on a farm.  My mom would tell me I don't want to do that.  So you little girl mind would say, "I can't do that".
I caught frogs and walked in puddles along the curbing saving worms from the last rain.  I walked under my moms weeping willow tree like it was a fairy land.  I would get lost walking through the yard while the cool breeze blew and the leaves were falling as if it was magical.
My best memories are laying on a blanket during the 4th of july fireworks with Scott my brother and naming each one we saw after a family member or pet.  Singing Christmas songs with him during the summer months on a tape recorder and making them silly, and every moment I spent with Gina, or a cousin.
When I was 15 my mom sent me to a modeling school.  She said she was so glad that she did that, even if I didn't choose to model, because it made me more like a girly girl.  Those aren't her actual words, but you get the idea.
I was a country girl.

One cousin from my dads side said we were considered the city folk in the family.
That was such a funny thing to hear because I would have thought the same thing.
I almost think my mom said the same.
I think it was her goal.
But...the funny thing is... deep down my mom was a country girl.
And I am a country girl.
No amount of proper walking and makeup (lol) can take that out of me.
So I love to hear people say that they  can't believe that I do these things....., raising chickens, and living on my version of an almost farm.  I can perform a necropsy on a bird, catch a snake, skin a snake, shoot a BBgun with great precision,  ( kill a pool).
I can can pickles and get my hands dirty with my husband to restore an old home.
I can install sheetrock and build a chicken coop.
But then I still like the girly things like bubble baths, tiaras, lace, elegant clothes, and beautiful soft pink anything.  My home inside is shabby chic and full of dried flowers, lace, quilts, candles, angels, crafty items, stitched tea towels,...…..
               

                      and chickens in the bathroom.




So I listened to that song, (country boy can survive) this morning.  I listened to the words.  I laughed as I recognized myself in them.  You could put me on a deserted island and I can survive.  I have learned to build a home, grow food, kill a chicken (only to put it down, not to eat it), I know how to do a trot line and shoot a bbgun.  I am a country girl...……..
BUT...….. I know how to be a city girl.
I guess that's what my mom had in mind.  I love my mom.  I miss her.  I miss her more as I think of who she was before the mess in her life.  Although she would have  a lot of control over my life.  I'm glad for the freedom to find myself.  But I miss her all the same.

God has blessed my life in so many ways.
But I have so much work to do on myself.
I am stronger, but I need to be stronger still.
I have stepped out of my comfort zone with the help of coffee.
(That part cracks me up).
I have a business to work,  I do a radio show with my husband.
I have taken on new adventures and opened myself up to new friendships.
I am managing my disease better than ever.
I am full of hope.
But I have a LONG way to go.
I need to love me more.
I need to remind myself to not let my feelings determine my worth.
I hope this has helped … ANYONE else.
I only do my blog to share my journey and hope someone else gets something out of it that might help them.
This one has been long.  If you've read it all the way to the end...I wish I could give you a prize.
I guess I had a lot to get off my heart.
The ones who read this are always my kindest friends.
I love them dearly.  I hope others read as well.
I pray you have a wonderful day.
I pray you make some beautiful memories with your day.
Hugs always
Shannon




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